I’m Sorry I haven’t a C***

I was delighted to hear that the long-running BBC radio comedy panel game I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue , the staple of Saturday lunchtime listening is to return in the near future. The show’s future was hanging in the balance after the death last year of its octogenarian host, ex-jazz trumpeter Humphrey Lyttleton. The show is now to be hosted on a rotational basis by comedians Stephen Fry, Jack Dee and Rob Brydon.  Chairman Humph will be a hard act to follow, but it’s very much in the show’s interests to go on.   For over 30 years veteran comics like Barry Cryer, former “Goodies” Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie, Jeremy Hardy, Paul Merton and the late Willie Rushton have sung the words of songs to the wrong tune, played “Mornington Crescent” and indulged in general silliness over the airwaves, all in the (alleged) presence of omnipresent scorekeeper, often mentioned, but never heard, “the lovely Samantha”

One of Clue’s notable segments was where the contestants had to invent new definitions of existing words – for example:

Binge – what Sean Connery puts his rubbish in

Twinge – Sean Connery’s identical brother

Miniscule – a nursery for young scousers;

and Rob Brydon’s classic contribution “control” (placing an emphasis on the second syllable) – Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan , AA Gill, Jonathan Ross, etc – you get the picture…

Similarly, Stephen Fry redefined “Countryside” as the killing of Piers Morgan.

Subtle but deadly. The F-word, for so long an unmentionable taboo has now almost become an aceptable part of everyday use. Now that other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon word which refers to the female genitalia, but is widely used a nasty term of abuse directed at unpleasant people has become the ultimate taboo. And as demonstrated above the taboo nature of the word can be subtly manipilated for biting comic effect.

So in the true spirit of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, here’s my own contribution – based on the muesli-based breakfast cereal Country Store. If Piers Morgan was suffering from a serious illness, then gradually began to recover, his process of recovery would be known as “Country Store”.

And as a not very funny comedian from Cookstown would say – and there’s more:

Contagious – the process of Simon Cowell getting older.

May the players of Morning Crescent et al remain clueless for many years to come.


  1. I, too, was so glad to hear that this is returning. I’m really hoping that they will record one of the shows somewhere near to me so that I can try to get tickets – I’d imagine that it would be an amazing atmosphere in the audience!

  2. Yes, I would like to have been to a live show when Humph was still around, but would still love to attend a recording of the new series – if for no other reason but to see what “the lovely Samantha” looks like!

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