Tyrone Manager Harte blamed for global economic woes

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The World Bank with the support of the G8 leaders has sent a stern letter to the secretary of the Tyrone GAA County Board blaming manager Mickey Harte for the current global recession.

“The economic downturn is all due to the actions of one man, Mr Michael Harte of Glencull” said Brad J. Hackenbacker Jnr III, chairman of the Wunch of Bankers Association of America.

President Obama has called on Mr Harte to come clean about his misdemaeanours. “He might be a great manager and an inspiration to his team” said the president, “and I congratulate him on his recent All-Ireland and Ulster successes, but that doesn’t absolve him of the blame for our dire financial situation, which he must be held to account for.”

Piet Van Aardvark, managing director of Net Blankes, a South African company specialising in the distribution of washing machines, cookers, fridges and other white goods which recently went into liquidation slammed Mickey Harte for his irresponsible actions. However others claim that the poor quality of Van Aardvark’s goods was to blame for the company’s downfall. In the 1980s the washing machines supplied by the company were unable to wash coloured garments as the dyes used were likely to cause internal damage to the machines. To this effect each product came with a “whites only – no coloureds” warning notice, which was wrongly interpreted as a racist slogan. Cyril Mbsekwe, chairman of the Associated Consumers Network (ANC) dismissed Van Aardvark as an incompetent businessman and a publicity-seeking fantasist who simply wanted to blame Harte for his own mistakes as he was a disgruntled Armagh supporter from the Orange Free State.

Van Aardvark has since set up a new company called Afri-Kans a continent-wide distributor of aluminium drinks containers. “If we went into liquidation this time I would consider that a very bad pun”, he was quoted as saying yesterday.

The CIA has issued an arrest warrant on the Tyrone boss, but said it would also like to question the Dutch entrepreneur Mikey H’Aart, president of the Global Assets Association (GAA) headquartered in Tyrone, Pennsylvania. H’Aart, a wildlife conservation enthusiast has a number of failed business projects behind him. In 2005, he lost millions of dollars after the construction of a sanctuary for endangered frog species called Croak Park went way over budget.

Mickey Harte was approached by a scrum of reporters and photographers from the international media while attending a fundraising event at Drumquin community centre, but denied any liability for the global recession.

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8 comments

  1. I wish Van Aardvark the best of luck in his new business venture. The market for white goods in South Africa has never been the same since the ANC came to power.

  2. I feel compelled to clear up any reader confusion which there may be on this issue of the unfortunate Mr Harte, who carries the majority of international problems on his shoulders.

    The origins of the apportionment of so much blame to Mr Harte lie in the past – some four years ago, to be exact, when CW and I were on holiday in Latvia. One sunny Sunday afternoon we decided to leave Riga and visit the Baltic coast. After leaving the minibus, CW claimed that he knew where we were, and that the elusive Baltic lay not too far away. Showing less faith in CW’s powers of navigation than I should have, I expressed scepticism as to our geographical location vis-a-vis the Baltic. Twenty-five minutes later, still not having found the fabled white sands of this northern sea, and not wishing to place the full blame on CW’s plate, we both cast around for someone to whom we could attach culpability. Knowing that CW is a “grate Gaaaayyyyyyleeeeeek man”, I hit upon the idea of pinning responsibility for our situation to Mr Mickey Harte, Tyrone GAA manager. This spawned a trend on my part – after all, Mickey has broad enough shoulders to carry much of the world’s problems!

    In the event, however, CW was right all along and we were only a stone’s throw away from the Baltic after all. So, thank you Mickey!

  3. And Tyrone won the All Ireland that year(something which was most definitely and undeniably Mickey’s fault), so it must have been some kind of omen.

  4. This is all part of a vicious smear campaign by Mr Van Aardvark, a keen Kerry supporter who wants to ruin my reputation. He’ll be hearing from my solicitors.

  5. This is the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read in my life…I wish I hadn’t bothered…I have lost 10 minutes of my life! Snzzzzz Lol 🙂

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